It can be selfless to put yourself first.

If that sounds like a paradox, you are not alone.

Putting yourself first in the world of K12 teaching is counter-culture. Being overworked, overwhelmed, and stressed is worn as a badge of honor.

A frantic pace is so pervasive in the K12 world that even when I managed to slow down, it was easier to pretend I was overwhelmed just to fit in.

Even outside the walls of school, we're conditioned by society to "feel ashamed of our selfishness, that we are flawed for being so self-centered" (Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance).

Not only does the culture of overwhelm lead to teacher burnout and stress, it's a severe detriment to students.

When you only give of yourself - you have less to give.

So what's the answer?

How can you start putting yourself first in ways that not only make you happier, but benefit your students and everyone around you?

More importantly, how can you do this in a way that feels authentic and not selfish?

I call this the art of being Selfish-ish.

Being Selfish-ish

First, let’s look at the definition of “Selfish” from the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

"Seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others".

“Selfish-ish” omits just three letters from that definition:

“Seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being WITHout regard for others.”

Being “selfish-ish” means putting yourself first so you have more to give to others.

Importantly, it's NOT the same as being "selfless", or "having no concern for self".

Selflessness is why the teaching profession is so fraught with stress and burnout.

Most teachers oscillate between two states:

1. Drowning in work while feeling virtuous.
2. Drowning in guilt while doing things for themselves because they "could be doing more" for others.

Learning to be “selfish-ish” provides a third option: stepping out of this pool of death altogether.

A reliving breath of air that allows you to enjoy your life AND care about your students.

Selfish-ish Teaching

Managing stress by walking, getting good sleep, meditating, delegating, automating, or saying “no” to draining tasks is not an indulgence. It's a prerequisite to being the best teacher you can be.

The teachers who had the biggest impact on my life all share something in common…

They had their own, interesting lives outside of school. They went to Radiohead concerts, knitted sleeves for mailboxes, attended "dragon-conventions", and took a week off to travel with their family.

It didn't matter if they were late grading papers a few times. It didn’t matter how friendly they were with their admin. What mattered is that they took care of themselves and put themselves first. It allowed them to show up and teach from their heart.

To show up each day as their authentic self.

They were selfish-ish.

How can you be selfish-ish in an environment where martyrdom is viewed as the barometer of success?

Three Ways to be Selfish-ish

Define "Enough"

Knowing when to stop working and when to be satisfied with what you have done is easier said than done.

My favorite strategy comes from a book on productivity called Make Time, by Jake Knapp and John Zeratsky.

The authors recommend choosing a single "highlight" to focus on each day.

It could be to finish grading for one assignment, plan a small group lesson, work on your novel for 30 minutes before school, or go on a walk with your kids after school.

A highlight ensures you don't spend all day putting other people first. It also clearly defines what "enough" means for you that day.

There will never be an end to the work that's put on you as a teacher. If you don't define "enough" each day, no one else will for you.

If nothing else but your highlight gets done, the day is a win.

The highlight strategy is a surprisingly simple way to lower the volume of the nagging voice that says "I should be doing more".

Disconnect

Before we jump into the power of disconnecting - a quick story for context…

During my second year teaching, I got in two car accidents - one of them leaving me with a concussion that took a year to heal and triggered a spiral of anxiety, depression, and other health problems.

Most days, I had a limited reserve of "brain power" before I had to take a break.

At first, the breaks came with feelings of guilt and failure: "I'm letting these students down."

Until I had a realization...

The breaks weren't selfish. The real selfishness was believing I was the linchpin holding the world together.

Students got on fine without me, people covered for me, and I would return from my breaks better able to be present with them emotionally.

These forced brain-breaks taught me the importance of creating boundaries between my own life and school life - building brain breaks into each day.

...

Even before the pandemic - technology had already begun blurring the lines between work and home.

A recent article from WIRED magazine points out how tech "improvements" have done anything but improve our personal lives:

"The internet isn’t the root cause of our burnout. But its promise to “make our lives easier” is a profoundly broken one, responsible for the illusion that “doing it all” isn’t just possible, but mandatory. When we fail to do so, we don’t blame the broken tools. We blame ourselves. Deep down, we know the primary exacerbator of burnout isn’t really email, or Instagram, or a constant stream of news alerts. It’s the continuous failure to reach the impossible expectations we’ve set for ourselves.”

The K12 world is defined by "impossible expectations." If we don't learn to disconnect, it's easy to blame ourselves for inevitable failures.

So how do we disconnect?

Be known for being a good teacher, not for being the fastest email replier.

Seriously, answer emails as slowly as possible without getting in trouble. If your school imposes a timeline on responses to parents (my schools’ is 24 hours), be in the 12-24 range instead of the 0-12 range.

Treat text messages from workmates or administrators like emails - turning off notifications and only checking them at designated times.

Intentionally disconnecting gives you time to recharge and protect your students' biggest asset - you.

If this scares you, start small by turning off notifications for a few hours each night - you might be surprised how little you miss out on.

Indulge

Do unproductive things that serve no purpose other than your enjoyment.

Take a long bath, read poetry, walk around the block, exercise, meditate, paint, dance, get a massage (when it's safe).

If these things cause guilt or feel unproductive, remind yourself what the point of productivity is:

“...productivity and output are not ends in themselves... if I catch myself feeling guilty for being unproductive, I have to remind myself that the point of working is so that I can have those moments of unproductivity.” - Nat Eliason

Working hard for years on end can quickly make you lose sight of why you were working so hard in the first place.

Productivity is not the end goal. The end goal is probably something more like "living a happy, fulfilled life where I get to inspire young minds and spend time with my family".

Often the most productive way to that goal is something completely unproductive.

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In choosing to be selfish-ish, you might fear judgement from your coworkers, administrators, parents, or students.

In my experience, you're more likely to get envious curiosity than judgement: “how do you stay so calm?”, “what’s your secret?”.

Fair warning: If you're not used to putting yourself first, you are fighting against decades of societal conditioning telling you that it's shameful to do so.

Just remember that your spirit, your health, your energy (or whatever you want to call it) is the single most valuable thing to your students - not your output.

Be intentional with it (Define “enough”), protect it (disconnect), and put it first (indulge).

Embrace the art of being Selfish-ish.

You'll be less stressed, more relaxed, and better able to share your gifts with students.

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